


these first few desperate hours

by loonylu



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Canonical Character Death, Cycle of Abuse, Dissociation, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infidelity, Intimate Partner Violence, Other, Physical Abuse, Self-Hatred, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, being afraid of becoming your abuser doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, could be canon i guess? we don't know how sarah steel died, juno's twenties were... Bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 02:15:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonylu/pseuds/loonylu
Summary: juno, diamond, bad coping mechanisms, and sarah's death.





	these first few desperate hours

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This story contains references to suicide, intimate partner violence, drug use, and canon-typical self-hatred. Please take care of yourself!

Juno is twenty-five, an HCPD officer, and he’s in the middle of a fight when he finds out.

 

“Oh, fuck you, Juno,” Diamond shouts, getting up in his face. Juno can feel their breath.

 

Juno holds his ground, says firmly, “I told you, over and over, I’m home late because Captain Hijikata needs me to –“

 

“So what, you’re fucking both Falco and Hijikata now?” Diamond shoves him, palms against shoulders. Not hard. Juno can see tears on their perfect cheeks.

 

Juno steps back. Sits down on the kitchen chair. The most important thing is to not get angry. Never at them. If he reacts like she would, he’s just as bad as she is. His heart is racing but he fights to keep his voice level. “I’m not, babe. I love you, and I’d never cheat on you.”

 

“You’re a fucking liar,” Diamond screams, standing over him.

 

Juno wants to curl up, wants to bring his knees to his chest and cover his face. He sits perfectly still. His hands are clasped safely in his lap. “Babe, please, I’m so sorry. I really did just get held up at work this time.”

 

“And you couldn’t call? Juno, you’re so fucking stupid!” Quick, like lightning, Diamond’s hand flashes out and they backhand Juno hard, across the face. Their ring tears open Juno’s bottom lip. Blood drips down his face.

 

There is stunned silence for a moment.

 

“Babe, I –“ Diamond stutters.

 

Juno stands with exaggerated care. “I need a minute,” he croaks. He grabs a paper towel from the roll on the kitchen counter and wads it up. Presses it to his bleeding lip. Crosses the apartment in a few steps, and quietly opens the apartment door and closes it behind him.

 

He sits in the stairwell, a few floors down. He keeps the paper towel pressed to his lips as he silently cries. He’ll be fine. His lip will heal, and Diamond will treat him like a queen for weeks. As much as it sucks, he looks forward to this part. The part where he fucks up and Diamond snaps and they can get back to equilibrium for a while. It feels cleansing, like he’s bleeding away the bullshit he subjects other people to. In the meantime, he’ll cry a bit and it’ll make him feel better. He’ll go back soon. Diamond loves him, and he’d never throw that away for a split lip.

 

His comms rings. Juno checks his watch. It’s nearly three in the morning. Who the fuck is calling at three in the morning? If Rita set her clock wrong again -

 

He picks up. “Is this Juno Steel?” a feminine voice asks.

 

“Yes,” he says as normally as possible, wincing as his lip reopens.

 

“My name is Officer Nello, I work for the Solar Interplanetary Penal System, Mars Division. I have some bad news for you.”

 

His mother is in Solar prison. Almost six years into a twenty-year sentence. Juno feels like he is encased in ice. “What did she do,” he croaks.

 

“We recovered Sarah Steel’s body this afternoon. It appears that she, well, died by suicide,” the officer’s voice sounds too matter-of-fact for how much this news cracks Juno in two.

 

“Okay,” Juno says blankly.

 

“I’m sorry for your loss, Mr. Steel,” the officer says sympathetically.

 

Juno wants to throw his comms down the stairs. “What do you need from me?” he says harshly.

 

“Um, what funeral arrangements would you like to make? We have to do an autopsy but – “

 

“I don’t want any of that,” Juno says. “No funeral. Do I have to do anything else.”

 

“…No,” the officer says cautiously. “But – “

 

“Okay,” Juno says, snapping his comms shut.

 

He stands shakily. He has a choice. He can head back up, cry on Diamond, sleep in his own bed. He’s still mad at Diamond, but he understands why people want to hurt him sometimes. Or he can go get some pills from somewhere and stay far outside of his own body for as long as it takes for the pain in his chest to abate.

 

Suddenly he feels like all the bones his mother ever broke, every cut and burn and bruise, open up again all at once. His breath is ragged. Wouldn’t it be fitting, if his mother came back as a ghost and not Benzaiten? Juno feels like a ghost, and an orphan, and like he’s floating outside his body.

 

So he stumbles down the stairs. He’ll go back up soon, once he’s found a way to bring himself back to his body.

 

He knows where he’s going. There’s a club a few blocks away where the bartender doesn’t ask questions and the drug dealer in the back doesn’t either. Juno still feels like he’s floating as he walks down the street. It’s raining a bit, he notes as he feels the exposed back of his neck burn from the acidity of the rain. He does nothing to stop it.

 

The club is loud at all hours, but this time of night it’s still mostly full of patrons. Juno nods to the bartender, who raises an eyebrow at him and points at the back wall.

 

There’s the person he was looking to see. Shay is covered with twisting tattoos and never smiles, and Juno’s been a bit in love with them since buying his first packet of pills. Not that it matters now, of course – Juno and Diamond love each other. They’ve been together for two years now. He'd never leave them, not for anything. 

 

“Hey, Shay?” he croaks, loud and hoarse.

 

They turn from their flirty conversation with a smitten college student. “Damn, Steel, I’d hate to see the other guy,” they say as they gesture to his lip.

 

Juno touches his lip and his hand comes away red. Juno tries not to cry. “I need something strong, okay?” he says, voice cracking.

 

“Everything okay, Steel?” Shay asks, half-concerned and half-suspicious. Shay’s seen enough of his bullshit to spot it pretty well.

 

“No,” he snarls.

 

“Okay, fine,” they say. “Remind me to introduce you to Cassie later, okay? I think you’ll get along.”

 

“Just fuck me up, Shay,” Juno says desperately. “Please.”

 

Shay stands abruptly. Juno flinches. Shay raises an eyebrow.  “Come to the back and we’ll talk.”

 

The back is a storage room with a padlocked cabinet. Shay produces the key from nowhere, and inside hundreds of pill bottles line shelves. Juno doesn’t care. His mind still feels like it’s stuck on the stairs in his apartment building.

 

“You want Sola or something else?” Shay asks, rifling through bottles.

 

“I don’t care,” Juno says, feeling blood run down his chin. “Whatever you’ve got.”

 

“Try this,” they say, handing him a baggie of six pills. “New stuff. Should get you out of your head for a while, if that’s what you want.”

 

“It really fucking is.” Juno opens the baggie and dry-swallows four.

 

“Okay, so that’s how this is happening,” Shay mutters. “Your dog die or something?’

 

“Shay. I do not. Want to talk.”

 

“Fine, fine. Seventy creds.”

 

Juno hands over the cash and sweeps out to the dance floor as Shay rolls their eyes. Whatever this shit is, it’s good. The bitter aftertaste has barely faded from swallowing the pills when everything melts into bright colors and his brain is blessedly silent. He moves with the other people, he is the other people, he’s the music, he’s the sticky floor and the hands on his ass and lips on his neck. Shadowy people buy him drinks. He knows that probably shouldn’t be happening but has forgotten how to stop it. His face hurts from smiling. Or his lip? He’s never sure.

 

He doesn’t remember too much of the next few hours, just the bartender prodding him with a boot and sunlight in his eyes. When did he fall asleep?

 

“Hey, you gotta go home, kid,” the bartender advises. “We’re closed.”

 

Juno shuts his eyes tight. He’s definitely still high, but no longer high enough to forget his problems. He hates this part. The part where he can only really think enough to know how much everything is going to suck in a couple of hours.  

 

So he stumbles out of the club and back towards Diamond’s apartment. It’s his apartment too, but he forgets that a lot. He gets tired a few blocks in and sits down on the sidewalk, leaning against a building. He just needs to sober up before he goes home and deals with Diamond and his mom and… everything.

 

Before he understands what’s happening, he has his comms out. “Mick?” he asks hoarsely once the call goes to voicemail. “Mick, buddy, it’s Jay. Sarah’s dead.” He laughs despite himself. “She’s dead.” His head hurts. “You don’t have to call me back, just… I thought you should know,” he finishes lamely, shutting the comms and tilting his head back. Unbidden, tears start falling from his eyes. Is he supposed to be at work right now?

 

A car screeches to a halt. Juno looks down to see Diamond in the driver’s seat of Juno’s own shitty car.

 

“Goddamnit, Juno, I’ve been looking for you all night, I – “ Diamond is angry, and Juno can’t handle it, knows it’s manipulative to distract from his own flaws with his problems, but can’t help it. Juno cries in earnest. “Juno, honey, what the hell is going on?”

 

“My mom is dead,” Juno sniffles, not meeting Diamond’s eyes.

 

“Oh. Well.” Diamond opens the door and gets out of the car, ignores the honking of the other cars on the streets, takes Juno’s hands, pulls him to his feet. Juno sways. Diamond embraces him. Diamond’s hugs feel like safety, and home, and like nothing will ever be able to touch him. Juno leans into it, tries to feel his datemate’s love with all his might. “I know she was awful, Juno, and I know it’s hard, but –“

 

“Let’s get back to the apartment, babe,” Juno says, pulling away. He gets into the passenger seat of his car.

 

“What the fuck did you take, anyway?” Diamond quips as they get into the driver’s seat. They shake their head. "Never mind. We can save that discussion for later.”

 

Juno shakes his head. The ride back is silent. Juno stares out of the window at a city he barely recognizes.

 

“Juno,” Diamond says, eyes fixed on the road. “I am so sorry I hit you. I was just so frustrated, you were being so fucking stubborn, but I swear it won’t happen again. I really mean it. Forgive me?” They reach out, take Juno’s hand, squeeze.

 

“Of course. I love you,” Juno says, words muffled by his swollen lip. “No matter what.”


End file.
